he got a new job at the airport; i hope that works out for him.

there's something different about his behavior and i honestly think it's because i've been drinking a lot more lately; but i'm so angry... amongst other feelings, anger is possibly the most i feel.

he's really pissed me off the last couple weeks... or maybe months. i can't keep count anymore. i've finally set myself free from the idea that i can't express what's really been happenning... can't, rather, not willing to say much here just yet but there's a reason why his name is his name. ughhhh. i hate it here, and i rarely hate anything at all. it's more a sign that this is wrong for me and i've still stayed because of need. if i'm being honest. sanyway, aside from that, sometimes the patrons are really nice...working at the library has it's benefits sometimes. they make me feel worthy, like i'm not just able but willing to help and they appreciate the small things. my kindness for example... it costs nothing to be kind and i do it on a daily basis (including singing lol). and sometimes i get appreciation for that without having to compromise my boundaries because oftentimes i am not respected. anyway, today i was approached by one of the patrons and he just thanked me for giving him extra time on the computer... yesterday my favorite couple told me they were moving out of state because they haven't been able to make what they need here in florida... i almost made the woman (can't stand that i don't know their name) cry... she's a mother and she understands my currrent living situation and thankfully she's going with her "mans" (lol) to live with her oldest son. i'm very happy for them both... they said i was the best here and it put a smile on my face...a smile i actually believed in.

i have had so many thoughts and things i've done that are not able to be explained and i've foolishly not written anything down... but this has been a mad house. literally in my brain. one day i will be able to process in a healthy way. i feel, well, i'm certain that i've already processed what has happened to me, the healing process on the other hand hasn't been as kind especially given the fact that i am swallowed in work right now. i actually watched a youtube video hosted by a woman that was speaking about blessed finances and the action of giving; it hit me hard when she mentioned that it would be foolish and not of God's work to give just because you have it. i feel like i'm going through it right now but he's already mentioned that i need to make a choice and leave now that he has a better job to manage his financial distresses. i'm only going to be here to give good conscience and to give myself some time to figure it all out considering all that's been happening. it feels so chaotic and so fast... and i've foolishly made this mistake before with giving $2,000 to someone that jaded me in the past only for him to kick me out in a place i was unfamiliar with. sometimes i think about them both and it just feels so similar in story... which sucks because there wasn't too much real love there anyway... all in all, i'm just glad i helped in the way that i did... it actually makes me feel better knowing that i do have a clean slate but i meant to give it sincerely when i didn't really have it.