i bought a car yesterday for $1500 in cash. i didn't have much time to be excited about it but i will find some time today when i go through some drive thru for food latersat, may 10
sun, may 11
today was awesome! I spoke with my mom for the day and got a free car wash today after church.
mon, may 12
i thought a lot about my potential small business ventures and i overstimulated myself. driving around has made it easier to manage it all. i also got to spend some quality time with who i believe to be my forever love
tues, may 13
today was very productive; while im usually off work i had training for something like natural storm emergencies with my job; shortly after training i headed to another branch to cover a night shift that went swimmingly i almost slept in the parking lot of a popular gas station here in central florida but a good friend of mine [and old roommate] offered me a very comfy couch instead
wed, may 14
this morning i helped a friend get to work by picking him up & dropping him off; he was kind enough to bring me breakfast [i love strawberries] after that i killed some time at a hotel that serves free coffee!! it was indeed splendid... i managed to squeeze in a nap since i was up so early. now just patiently waiting for closing time
thur, may 15
i slept in the parking lot of where i work and it was actually not so bad. something to note, i should really charge up all my devices so i can have some kind of entertainment breakfast was phenominal for it be golden corral; i actually secretly enjoy eating here; mostly because of the variety i also found out that the old laundromat i used to go to is now 24 hours which means a number of things surpassing the laundry i have accumulated. i do need to eventually take a shower... i need to desperately retwist my hair
fri, may 16
friday was fabulous; i had an amazing day and even though i picked up a much longer shift it was well worth the money i also got to pay my dear bunny friend a house visit; i missed them so much! i accompanied them for a trip to the grocery before watching a movie i've always wanted to watch when i was younger: confessions of a teenage drama queen. it was so cool to spend time,i'm spoild rotten by them to be honest. thankfully i didn't have to sleep in the car tonight so that was pretty cool.
sat, may 17
i didn't want to wake up this morning but i'm grateful i did; work has gone so swiftly today (possibly because it is a shorter shift). i have organized the car a bit so it can be a little more comfortable to reside in for the time being. i desperately need to vaccuum and spot wash it smh. i had salmon for dinner and it was just as tasty as it was the other day! a friend also cooked a small bowl of ramen and sweet potato dino nuggets for me.
sun, may 18
i woke up wayyyy too early (much earlier than i had to and even worse stayed up wayyy too late and lack sweet sweet sleep. i covered a friend's shift today so more $$$ to supply for off the grid living. i had the best food today it was awesome!
mon, may 19
i thankfully didn't have to sleep in my car the other night but i ended up drinking an entire can of alcohol and made me feel embarrassed. i've been doing great at cutting back but also not endulging when i'm already feeling crappy. thank God that i didn't hurt myself too bad... just a mild hangover that lived for all of 2 hours.
tues, may 20
i was blessed again after work yesterday to have a bed to lay my head; my friend is the absolute best and i'm realizing more as time passes that he is one of my biggest supporters in my life. spending time with him last night was amazing and i was sober enough to recall and enjoy it. we listened to some great music before i had to head into work. i'm trying my best to think the most of my paycheck this week; i am eager to give to the church (whichever one i plan to visit this sunday) and pay back my brother...the sooner i pay off my debts the sooner i will be able to knock out the bigger invoices before July arrives.
wed, may 21
i have been very blessed to have had a place to stay the last couple days. while i did have a meltdown (mostly induced by drunken stupor) about feeling alone i think my friend has made it ten times better in letting me know i have more support than i realize. it was kind of getting to me that i didn't feel comfortable or at all NOT embarrassed to ask for help since living in my car but now, it doesn't feel so awful. one thing i have realized that foraging for food and beverage is a lot easier with a vehicle than not; i got a free coffee at the home suites (they have a whole coffee bar!); the woman at the front was ever so kind enough to ask if i was "charging" or paying for my purchase (a very small $4 carton of edible cookie dough). her nails were wonderful. after that i headed back after taking friend to work and had some leftovers for breakfast and passed out (again!) work was pleasant today (as of now it's 7:45p and we close at 9...) i just wish that the day would go by much faster...
thur, may 22
i had training for "crisis prep" this morning; i volunteered at work to aid before, during, and after natural disasters in our county. i was very blessed to have a couch to sleep on the night prior from a much older friend that serves as my living grandpa of sorts. he's been so kind and country lol. after training i spent $30 on myself to make my hair look nice; i still think i spent too much money but my hair was in desperate need of attention. retwisting and doing my hair in the car was awfullllllllll especially because of the heat but i finally finished in time for dinner provided by "grandpa" i finally had a decent bowl of pho (its been so long!)
fri, may 23
blessed with couch again and a good shower; i'm very thankful for good habits of hygiene lol. the car is getting cleaner and cleaner with my freetime to move things around. seeing what works and what doesn't and what i can actually carry is useful in these times. i have noted that i do need a laundry card and small vessels for detergent and such. today we lost a coworker who i adored... he's moving back to wisconsin; a far better place than where a former trespassed patron of ours has gone this past week... that guy was unfortunately shot and killed by a checker's employee. i won't say much about him personally because i owe him that respect but i'm filled with sorrow knowing that he suffered the worst consequence for his negative behaviors; i was really hoping there would've been some correction or compassionate for how he sometimes makes others feel.
sat, may 24
i took a pretty decent nap in the shade yesterday after work; it was a great nap considering the weather and ability to stretch out my body as much as i could. i thought i was going to stay the evening in the car until i got a call from my very special friend after 2am... in his defense he was just getting in from hanging out with new coworkers/friends. the bed felt great but not as great as the shower... i've noticed since sleeping in the car my body adapts to the car smell so i get pretty smelly easily if i stay in it for long periods of time. still haven't deep cleaned her, but desperately need to. work is exceptionally busy today which is great considering it's one of my early shifts; i can't wait to get out of here.
i thought i was going to make it to a friend's party after work but another friend needed me with her... this tends to happen to me a lot because i was really excited to go to the party with a tummy prepared for filling but i was okay knowing i was able to help out my friend with just my presence. the situation is sticky what she's going through... i'm glad that she confided in me.
sun, may 25
i slept in the parking lot of a dollar general after spending a dedicated amount of time with my homegirl, i was so exhausted... and the weather wasn't as terrible as it has been this week. i was able to get as much sleep as i could though unfortunately i wasn't able to make it to church upon waking up on time. my body so desperately needed the rest but i have plans to check out the live stream feed for the missed sermon. i have been doing well on food though, it's just the weather that bothers me really... that and feeling lonely sometimes. which ultimately is very strange considering that i love and appreciate my me time. *shrug*
mon, may 26
today was really tough because i felt the most lonely but (!) i was able to speak with my mommy for her birthday and spend some quality time with myself. it truly is nice to have the freedom to travel and be where i want to be and spend the time i want with those i love but when those people and places are unavailable it becomes kind of sucky.. the best part was that i was fed and had a safe place to sleep... added bonus was completing my binge on watching traitors on peacock. please be a friend and talk to me about this show its great! lol
tues, may 27
today i received 1K likes on tiktok!! that's crazy!!! i very much appreciate the love and support; i just never imagined that i would be wading in these waters when im also wading in a pool of chronic homelessness. the world works in mysterious ways! while im not estatic to be living the unconventional life of nomadic trade, i am very grateful for the idea ive had years prior for this very same life. i just thought i was going to be in better conditions and by choice to live this way but what ive come to find out is: that if it wasn't meant it wont, but if its supposed to happen, it will be any means necessary whether its conventional or not. ive so longed for the dream of living on the road and thought it would be by means of me knowing all i need to know but also by ultimate choice for travel. this is not what i expected at all.
i read a story to a young patron today... she appeared to enjoy reading on her own. her famliy gave her much freedom to venture to the children's department with me. that isnt a stab at their parenting at all, im sure they are wonderful parents. i think it was therapeutic for me to understand that someone, anyone for that matter, would listen to me...
wed, may 28
this morning was kind of sucky but still expressing gratitude for opening my beautiful eyes to another day of life! i say it was sucky though because i was feeling that strange but short wave of loneliness; living out of a car you're blessed with ample "me time" and that's all great and dandy but can be kinda lonely sometimes. i also haven't managed an actual full shower since saturday... realizing that just made me wince a bit at myself but thankfully the car smell isn't as strong on me for the last few days; i've managed to clean the car up a bit praise the Lord, though it still kinda smells like old beach sand... i'm hopeful that i have a place to shower tonight as i am off tomorrow and would love to seize the day with a clean body.. well, cleaner than it is at this moment :S
thur, may 29
i was blessed with a shower and a place to stay after work last night!! all praises!! my bestie comes in clutch; he messaged me during the storm. i was so thankful to clean every inch of my body [sorry if that's entirely too much information lol]. anyway, i've been indoors mostly thankfully to give ol' betsy a rest, by betsy i mean the car lol. while i was in and out of sleep i had great rest. i woke up to watch my favorite ghibli howl's moving castle and spent the rest of the day having fun with my favorite friend. i got to play the keys and uke a bit today.
fri, may 30
i am grateful for another night of rest in a bed. i picked up extra hours so i had to clock in in the morning, which kind of sucked but i could always use the extra money. thankfully it's friday so we don't close until 6p today.
sat, may 31
yesterday after work i receieved a text and phone call as soon as i got off work from an old coworker. she had just had her baby boy and asked if i wanted to go shopping with her. we had went on a random shopping trip before so i assumed this was just a quick catch up hang out. long story short, i took to the wheel after sharing a bottle of tequila with her; this by far is the worst mistake i have consistently made and i felt terrible. i slept most of the day at a special friend's place and he too was disappointed with me. in his defense, he's witnessed a lot of my struggles of recent after seeing possibly the best version of myself before seeing me crumble to pieces in the last 5 years. i used today to rest and refill the gas tank but a chunk of the day was spent yelling and screaming trying to get my point across and apologizing over and over again. i really don't like when i get this way but ultimately i was presented with a multiple choice test and i failed again. it was otherwise a great day considering the conversation was concluded even though there were a lot of feelings still waivering in the air. we were later joined with another good friend of years and we just kicked it. we chatted for long hours, watched the sunset, and reminisced about old times. we break bread together, we spend time together, we live in peace together.
sun, june 1
the days have melted into one big chunk of time but i am properly bathed and rested and forgiven for the most part... i much rather the version of myself that was able to give more and be helpful and right now, i don't really feel much like it. i feel like i have offered so much because i am really good at giving. i just have been feeling so worthless and i know better. i'm just trying my best to make these changes and i'm hopeful there's enough time to fix all of this.
mon, june 2
well, the day started off well. my special friend has been very kind and supportive. later i received a call from him very upset with me. i overstepped and used their address once for a rewards gift card and while they didn't send anything, someone else did. i didn't tell him, and i should've. i didn't think anything was going to be sent but that is far from the point because i did wrong. i should've asked in the least. for what it's worth, i haven't been the best person to him... and with everything that i have going on right now it has caused him stress that i never desired for him to have. i will ugly cry about this later... very deep prayer ensues.
tues, june 3
i was in and out of sleep all evening the previous night but there was a beautiful storm around 4:30 in the morning that i so desperately wanted to go outside and cleanse in. i didn't because they brought out a few strangers in the night that i didn't want to meet so i tried to go back to sleep. i've been praying all day and night and i managed to eat a healthy breakfast courtesy of wawa, florida's favorite gas station. i took the best idea for a shower today and tried my best to forget about yesterday. that was a very hard test to pass but i did it! currently i'm bumming free wifi as my cell service is off at the moment. i thoguht a lot about what my special friend has been saying and shaking his finger at me throughout the years... and my only deductions are that i really need to just keep getting up and stop doing things to cause me to fail and fall. my main priorities should be centered in changes that i must make if i want the God in me to show brightly and not every once in awhile. i'm already doing better... just need more patience with myself.
wed, june 4
i woke up a little before 7am this morning feeling somewhat refreshed... i couldn't fall asleep last night to save my life! must've been the 3rd red bull i had for the entire day. anyway, i took a walk around the neighborhood park after foraging for a public restroom (haven't had the pleasantries of a bed in a couple days). it was mentally noted that for years i've taken advantage of living in a place where when i need to relieve myself of peepees and doodees it was only a few seconds walking distance, whereas now it's a 3min drive in the hopes that it's accessible. thankfully the park opens at 7am, another piece of useful information to note with living in a car for now. i took a quiet stroll after my business was concluded and took a seat at one of the benches by the water. birds and critters are a lot different during the day than later, they didn't scurry as i walked near them. i just observed them... as i looked over the waters of the lake, i noticed, well what appeared to be a fish swimming above the water. yes, a very much alive fish swimming ABOVE the lake. i dazed confused and soon, it dipped back into the water. that was the magic part of my brain explaining the story. what isn't mentioned was that the fish seemed to have had a long, dark stem coming from underneath it; think fish popsicle. but it was almost serpent-like. but it wasn't a snake. it was weird. once it was out of my sight, it left my mind. i let it go. until later, when i witnessed the same fish on the beak of a small pelican like bird. nature explained, the circle of life ensues.
5:13pm - dude... work is kciking my butt right now... i am so exhausted from not getting much sleeeeeeeeeep. please send caffeine x.x
thur, june 5
i needed this day off... i spent it playing video games with my friend all day and eating good food. i am very grateful for fellowship over food.
fri, june 6
nothing much to report this morning, my new routine with waking up and driving to the public restroom was disrupted thanks to a friend that came back in town; she offered me a shower (yay hygiene!). anyway, this morning on my way to work i stopped for coffee and crumbs (short for "award winning" lemon frosted donuts from le gas station).
you learn a lot from asking questions. i have a friend (or several) that desire for space to be filled with conversation due to lack of "filled space" so they ask questions; we can call this ADHD. hehe. as a rep and admiring advocate, i welcome this because i am also a n.e.r.d. abbreviated for "near erratic restraint disorder" where i am eager to answer questions when i'm asked without acknowledgement of my opinions as answers being something that is welcomed. sucks hard.
i miss my scorpio friend... i really hope that they're doing okay. it appears easy to just exercise how you feel but with the added anxiety and relability i feel it becomes more difficult because i don't want to invade or be a burden. 've noticed when i do care i tend to forget about my own circumstance and for the most part i have open opportunities to assimilate (sp) to the victimization role often. but i don't.
sat, june 7
sun, june 8
mon, june 9
tue, june 10
wed, june 11
thu, june 12
fri, june 13
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fri, june 19
